Keep the door ajar when I'm coming home [Nov. 23]

[incognoscibilis]

He'd given Blue her set of keys yesterday and found Noah not long after. Now the last person is Lynch. Ever since leaving that dark version of Darrow and coming home to a Ronan who'd fucked Joseph Kavinsky, he's been numb. Thinking of his ex(?)-boyfriend(?) mostly falls into a numb blanket that's almost sufficient enough to smother any thoughts of pain and heartbreak. Almost.

The day keeps alternating between blindingly sunny and drainingly gray and Adam keeps Copper at his side, her tail wagging and thumping against his left thigh. Since he works at Pete's, he'd used his time at work to make five identical sets of keys, only for it all to feel hollow by the time they got to distributing them. Noah's busy being a Real Boy and shacking up with Krem. Blue seems content to stay in her own place, keeping her own counsel away from her Raven Boys.

And Ronan. There's Ronan.

Walking deeper into the woods, he searches along Cabeswater like a ship's sonar. Reaching out into the earth and searching for anomalies until he finds the Greywaren leads him along. "Lynch," he calls out.

Comments

[thedreamthief]

The trees know Adam's there before Ronan does. They rustle, speaking in quiet, pleased murmurs, leaves shivering to the grassy forest floor like water off an excited pup.

Chainsaw flies into the air a second later, letting out a quiet call before swooping low over Cooper, her wings nearly grazing the pup's fur. Ronan stays where he is, stretched out on an overstuffed couch in the middle of a meadow. There's one empty bottle lying on the forest floor, grass and vines wrapped around it like overgrowth. He takes a sip of the bottle still in his hand.

For a moment, Ronan wants snipe, wants to curl a lip and say something to make Adam turn around and walk away.

Instead, he lets out a breath and shifts to swing his feet down to the ground, elbows on his knees. "Parrish," he says, cool and calm. "Not working today?"

[incognoscibilis]

"Between shifts," he lies. It gives him a convenient exit for when this inevitably gets awful. Adam has never been on the receiving end of a drunk Ronan, not alone and not when they're left in a position of feeling raw. Trying not to think about that, he redirects his focus onto Chainsaw and the way that Copper playfully half-chases her, tail wagging even harder than before.

Reaching into his pocket, Adam takes out a ring of two keys. First for the ground level door to Hywel and he second for the interior door for the floor where they're meant to all live. That hadn't worked out but he'd been supposed to give everyone their keys.

"Catch," he says, lobbing them into the air. A resentful, hurt part of him hopes Ronan misses and they get lost in the grass.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan catches them easily, the metal cool in his palm.

"For Hywel?" he asks, though he already knows. One key is for the main door, the other for the floor where they'll actually be sleeping. He wonders if Adam's already moved in, already claimed a room for himself. He wonders if they've set aside one for Ronan in particular or he'll just get whatever's left over.

Not that he really gives a shit either way.

"Thanks," he says, curling his fingers around the metal before tipping his head back for another drink. Swallows. Then, just to be a shit, he adds, "Krem moved in yet?"

[incognoscibilis]

"For Hywel."

Adam grits his teeth when Ronan takes a dig at Krem and tries to push away that roaring blackout anger that he's inherited from his father. Does he really think he has any space to make a comment like that? Adam shoves his fists into his pockets before he can do something stupid like try and hit something.

"Just as soon as you and Kavinsky put the finishing touches on your dream home."

[thedreamthief]

"Jesus, Parrish, it wasn't--"

He cuts himself off with a scowl. He can't explain what it was. It doesn't fucking matter what it was. It won't change how Adam feels and it shouldn't. Whatever they were for awhile, Adam deserved a better explanation than what he returned to, but if this is what it takes to pull himself out from Cabeswater's spell, then it's for the best anyway.

And it gives Ronan time to convince Cabeswater that his affections lie elsewhere.

Not that he has any fucking clue how he'll go about doing that.

Still, he wants to make one thing clear. "Last time I saw Kavinsky, Noah had to stop me from smashing his face in with a beer bottle. Guess you could say the Honeymoon stage is over between us."

[incognoscibilis]

"Good." Adam doesn't bother to hide how vindictive he feels about it. How hurt. For days now, he's been plagued by memories of what happened in that other Darrow. For days, he's hated himself for wishing Ronan was there to help soothe the nightmares away, to wrap him up like something precious.

"I guess I can understand it." He doesn't mean to talk but it's like opening his mouth has lanced the wound and he has to get all of it out now that he's started. "You two being the same. Him being him and me being hardly worth anything. Doesn't keep it from hurting."

He's given Ronan too much power there, he realizes a second too late.

[thedreamthief]

It's not Adam's angry Good that stings or the fact that can understand it. Whatever it even is. But that Adam can recognize just how much a monster Ronan really is, that digs. He knows it's true. He and Kavinsky are two peas in a pod, just two thieves trying to figure shit out and destroying themselves in the process.

Better to destroy himself than anyone else though, at least.

It's the rest that makes the anger spike again though and Ronan's eyes flash dark. "Don't for one fucking second think you're worth less than that fuckstick," Ronan snaps. "You're worth--" He has to cut himself off again, cursing loudly before downing another quick drink and shaking his head. "Just fucking leave it, okay? It's done. We're done. End of story."

[incognoscibilis]

"Don't tell me what I'm worth," Adam says roughly. He can hear it in his ear, that angry rushing static. The last time this noise had drowned him out, he'd thrown aside his own possessions to try and intimidate Blue. It would just be pathetic in front of Ronan.

"Whatever I'm worth, it still wasn't enough, obviously."

Anger was easier. Anger was an engine that stoked itself. No wonder Ronan preferred it to grief.

[thedreamthief]

"You're worth fucking everything," Ronan snarls, pure rage coursing through his veins, harsh enough to make his hands shake.

It's too late to take the words back, but he has the feeling Adam won't believe him anyway. But that's for the best, too. Adam can hate him, Adam should hate him. And then Cabeswater can loosen it's fucking clutch on him.

Ronan pushes to his feet, head ducked to avoid whatever Adam's reaction to that might've been as he grabs the empty bottle off the ground, fighting every impulse inside him to chuck it a tree. "Just fucking go, Parrish. You've dropped off what you came here for and I promise I'll do my best to not show up when I know you'll be there. We can all just move the fuck on already."

[incognoscibilis]

"Everything?" Adam looks at him, disgusted, hurt. His chest aches. What had he been worth to Ronan, that he'd thrown him away so easily? "I was worth a few hand jobs. I guess Kavinsky was more talented."

He wants to press a finger on that nerve, get a real answer out of him somehow but it forces him to compromise his pride, asking why Kavinsky or why wasn't I good enough? The second one doesn't matter. It's not the first time Adam hasn't been good enough. Blue had had Gansey. Apparently, Ronan had had Kavinsky.

Adam has Barton, starting this January, and that's all.

[thedreamthief]

It's not the first time Adam's looked at Ronan with such open disgust. There's more to it this time though, hurt evident in the curl of his lip and furrow of his brow.

Ronan wants to smash the bottle against his own cheek for putting that look on Adam's face.

"Goddamnit, Parrish," he growls instead. Part of him wants to defend himself, wants to tell Adam he'd meant to break it off before, tell him why. But there's too much unknown there, too much to risk in guessing how Adam will react. The smarter route would be in agreeing, in giving Adam every reason to hate him.

But Ronan doesn't lie.

"This is a fucking out, okay?" he finally manages, holding his arms out in demonstration or surrender or both. "Everything-- This whole place is fucked. You think I don't know how much you don't want to be stuck here? You've been working your whole fucking life to get out of Henrietta and now you're stuck in a new goddamn prison."

I'm not shoving you in another, he doesn't add, every nerve in his body vibrating.

[incognoscibilis]

"An out from what?" Adam asks, his tone going cold and dangerous. "I kissed you first, Ronan. I stuck my hand in your pants first." Adam bullies in closer and raises fisted hands, uncertain for a second if he's going to punch Ronan or grab him for a kiss. "Did I look like I anted an out?"

If he'd needed an out, he wouldn't have pressed charges against Robert Parrish. If he needed an out, he would have forced twenty-four hundred dollars into Ronan's hand by now. If Adam Parrish had wanted an out, a chance to ignore Ronan Lynch's longing looks from beneath his frivolous eyelashes, he would have fucking taken it by now.

"This city is a prison. Henrietta was a prison. You weren't. So...so. What the fuck, Ronan?"

[thedreamthief]

Adam stomps closer, hands balled into fists and Ronan suddenly wants nothing more than for Adam to punch him, to maybe break his nose all over again. It'd be a one-sided fight, Adam throwing all the punches for once instead of fielding them.

But, despite everything Adam thinks of himself, he's nothing like Robert Parrish. Not even when he's pissed.

"Cabeswater is a fucking prison," Ronan finally snaps because Adam doesn't get it. He'll never get it. For as smart as Adam is, he can sure act fucking stupid sometimes. "It knows what I want, man. It knows-- Shit, it knows fucking everything. And you sacrificed yourself to it, like some-- fuck, how can you see not see that it's controlling you? It gives me anything I want if I just ask for it. It gave me you."

[incognoscibilis]

What Ronan says is so insane that Adam is left standing there, mouth open around an unformed curse. "You think..." The trees swirl around them, flowing back and forth as if uncertain what side to take, whose anger will rule them.

Ineloquent from the sheer absurdity all, Adam bursts out, "You were there when I said I would be Cabeswater's hands and eyes, Lynch. My dick was not part of the bargain."

How can he think that. How can he fucking...

"Cabeswater loves the Greywaren, Ronan, but it doesn't want to fuck you."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's lips curl into a sneer, face contorting with a rage-inducing mix of emotions he doesn't know what the fuck to do with. There's hope in the mix somewhere, but it's overwhelmed by a growing fucked up sort of despair.

It's not Adam's dick that he wants. It never fucking has been.

"You can't tell me you ever wanted whatever the fuck this is before Cabeswater," he says, his voice lower and suddenly calmer. "And if not, it's a hell of a goddamn coincidence."

[incognoscibilis]

"You..." He sounds like Blue in that moment, all righteous indignation on slightly the wrong side of shrill. Somewhere in the middle of the act of throwing himself on top of Ronan to fight him, Adam gives in to a different set of instints.

The kiss he lands on Ronan is heavy and hungry and completely human in its desire. All of his confusion, his envy, his want, pours through him and he thinks Ronan must be able to taste it.

"When I think about the day I decided to go to Aglionby," he says. "I think of you."

He falls back and whistles for Copper. "But what the fuck do I know. Since I sold my soul to a living, thinking forest that told me to give you a fucking hand job."

[thedreamthief]

Nothing in that moment could be more surprising than the crash of Adam's lips against his own. It's almost as damaging as a punch to the gut, knocking the wind straight out of Ronan's lungs and leaving him sore and gaping when Adam pulls away.

Worse, he has no idea how to fight back. He knows how to throw a fist and a tight jab, not that he ever would with Adam, but it's a response.

Right now, all he can do is stare, heart pounding.

"I don't know what that fucking means," he finally manages, glancing only briefly at Copper as she comes bounding out from behind a pocket of trees. "You didn't even know me, man. I sure as shit didn't know you. So what, you look back and realize you decided you wanted to be a fucking shitheel just like me?"

[incognoscibilis]

"It..." Adam grunts in frustration, fists clenched again. "I was in the store and there was some Aglionby boy with a shaved head came by. He wasn't you but when I remember that day, it is." It doesn't make sense and Adam feels weak for admitting it, even if he leaves out the details of how low he'd felt that day.

"Why is it so goddamn impossible to believe that I want you that I..." No, he can't use that word anymore. Maybe he'd never been allowed.

His gut boils and Adam realizes with hot shame that no one ever has thought his actions were his own. Gansey thinks his actions had been determined by fear of his father. Ronan thinks that everything Adam does is dictated by Cabeswater.

According to them, Adam's never had his own agency. He's just a sad, pitiable puppet to them both.

"I wanted you because of what I wanted. Not Cabeswater. I wanted you before it came here. What's your excuse then."

Brusquely, Adam grabs Copper's collar and gets ready to walk but doesn't quite march away. Some treacherous part of him wants Ronan to chase him, to stop him. To kiss him back.

[thedreamthief]

The question feels rhetorical. Because why the hell would anyone believe Adam would want someone like Ronan. It's obvious, really. Ronan has a dick for one, and Ronan's fairly sure Adam hadn't shown a single interest in one of those outside of his own in the entire time they've known each other prior to very very recently.

But there's also the fact that Ronan represents absolutely everything Adam despises - a rich, privileged kid who hasn't had to work for a goddamn thing in his entire life.

And he may or may not be some fucked up tool of the devil or some shit.

"Fuck knows, Parrish. Don't think I haven't asked myself that a million times," he replies and he's almost smiling now, lips twisted in a rueful, pained grin. "It'd sure as hell be easier to want just about anyone else, wouldn't it? But apparently I'm fucking fixated on the guy who clearly needs one more shitty thing in his life."

[incognoscibilis]

"Don't," Adam says and it's both a plea and a warning. "You are not a shitty part of my life. You're an idiot and an asshole and the most Raven Boy to ever Raven but if you think for a goddamn second that you weren't one of the best things about that fucking school..."

Now, all he's done is make his own self hurt and Adam clenches his jaw. He needs to leave before the excess of emotion hurts him.

"I know you're Catholic but I don't want the mea culpa when there isn't any."

[thedreamthief]

It's Adam's tone that stops Ronan short, more than the words themselves. It isn't the first time Adam's called him all those things and, by comparison to some of their arguments, they're damn near tame. But there's an edge this time, something that sounds almost like a plea.

Ronan crosses his arms tight over his chest, both bottles hanging from his fingers.

"Fuck this," he grumbles eventually, nerves still vibrating, aching to lash out. "I didn't do shit with Kavinsky just to piss you off. I thought you were gone, alright? I even fucking hoped for it because that meant you could have all the shit you've been working toward your whole life, everything you've earned, man. And this whole fucking time I've felt, shit. I felt like I've just been taking something that isn't really mine to have."

[incognoscibilis]

"Stop martyring yourself," Adam says, freely and cruelly snapping at Ronan's Catholicism. "You're not a saint for breaking up with me."

And that's what they've done, essentially, isn't it? They had played at hand holding and kissing, using the word boyfriend. Now Adam knows what they'd been, at least to Ronan. Adam had been a temptation that he was trying to put back on the tree and undo. Too bad there were no takebacks.

"You're not the devil, Ronan Lynch. You didn't steal my virtue while I sat there, no fucking clue. You didn't fucking take. I gave and I took too."

He knows that if he walks, Ronan won't follow, no matter how much Adam wants him to. When he starts to walk away, he knows he's got nothing. Never did.